Men, we're retarded that way, and it has sod all to do with you.

I would like the preface this with the emphatic statement that in no way has the woman in my life done anything to bring this little missive to light. It was probably mostly a combination of watching 5 back to back episodes of the UK version of Coupling and talking with a woman about her and her significant other.

If women could realize that the universe that is their relationship does not have them at the center, life could be so much less complex for guys. Now let's be fair, women are not the only ones who think they are the center of the relationship universe, but women take it to the extreme at times.

Relationships are binary star systems. The stars orbit each other and all the other issues/events orbit the stars (things like the planet of the first kiss, or the ex-girlfriend comet that shows up every 5 years). But the important thing is that there can be something wrong with the one star that the other has absolutely no control over, or responsibility for. They orbit each other, they affect one another, but excessive worry and attention often does nothing for that spate of excessive sunspot activity.

Here is what it boils down to. Women seem to get to certain points in relationships before their man, and if he doesn't come along smartly in line with their mindset, then he must not value the relationship as much as they do. As an example (and I must, due to my audience) be quick to point out that as an example, it is neither perfect, nor universally applicable. It is however true in the general case.

Women tend to realize that they want this relationship to last for the rest of their lives earlier than men. And men, well, they have two options. One, they may realize that you are feeling this way before they are sure what they are feeling, or two, they may realize the same thing. It doesn't really matter which comes first, because sooner or later, they are going to freak out. This is where the women in my audience (and let's face it, that's most of my audience for some reason) need to realize that this has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you. (Where you means the female that is the other person in the relationship) The only possible way in which it CAN become something to do with you, is if you make it so.

This is where you need to calm the heck down and realize you are not in the middle of this relationship. The entire focal point of this relationship in the mind of the guy, is not, and SHOULD not be you. Read that again and absorb it. Now realize that you will totally forget it the next time something like this comes up. It's in your nature the same way what the guy is going to do is in his.

Now, the guy may realize that "hey, I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman". He may realize "um...I think she's starting to think about the M-word" It doesn't really matter, because at some point, they man must face, and answer this questions. "Am I ready to settle down with one woman?" Notice, the question is not "Am I ready to settle down with this woman?" It is "one woman". Now women, this is where you need to take a step way the hell back and let the guy work this one through. He may say things to you like "I've been thinking, maybe we should date some other people." Crazy stuff. Stuff he doesn't really mean. It's an outcropping of this set of thoughts that are repeating in his head.

"If I settle down, then it's just one woman. There isn't any possibility of more. No more first kisses, no other women to feel what it's like to snuggle up with. No more breasts to try out. I'm not sure I want to give that up." Now keep in mind, the past dating history of this man has absolutely NO relevance on this. They may have dated hundreds of women, had hundreds of first kisses and worked every possible relationship to see where it could go. Or they might have stood on the dating sidelines waiting for the coach to put them in, and not realizing that they are their own coach in a team of one. I myself had only dated one other woman when my wife and I were engaged and about three months from marriage. I was sure I was ready, enthusiastically embraced a life together and then all of a sudden found myself regretting the loss of opportunity to date other women and have these experiences. Let's completely ignore the fact that in the year prior to Megan and I dating, I hadn't made friends with one datable woman near my age. And mostly through absolute lack of trying.

But it had absolutely nothing to do with my wife. She could either let me sort through it, and give me smacks upside the head if I did things like suggest we date other people 10 months into our 13 month engagment, or she could smother me trying to make me forget about the other women and forcibly pull me with her into HER future. Fortunately, mine let me figure it out. A couple should walk forward into THEIR future (which is generaly both parties walking in the direction they think is right, being shocked to find that sometimes this differs, and then figuring out which way to go as a couple each time they hit one of these places). But when a woman freaks out and decides she needs to fix her male, she begins to forcibly drag him the way she wants things to go. She pulls him further and further down HER path with no chance for him to affect the direction. This makes him feel even MORE trapped and in fact sabotages her. Because if he tries to pull away and say "I'd like to go this way please." She takes this as him rejecting her, but he's just trying to walk the path together (At least at first). She's already threatened that he doesn't feel exactly the same way she does and so any attempt to deviate from her chosen path is seen as a sure sign that things are over.

Let me enlighten you ladies. The sure sign that things are over is when he no longer tries to walk a different path. When he's given up and is trudging like a young child behind his mother. Whether it ends after the marriage or before, he has lost interest in this relationship and you've done it to yourself. His actions to change where things were going showed he cared about the direction. When he no longer cares enough to try and change things, he no longer cares period, and it is only a matter of time before he realizes it.

Whew...that was very long, and convoluted, but I think there is truth in there somewhere. Let me know when you find it.