The Much Belated Part II

...When last we left our intrepid hero, he had forgotten to buy frozen corn for his wife. Corn she would desperately need to make the soup with which to impress her female family members. The hour was late (1 am) and the situation dire. What would he do? Where would he go? What philisophical musings would he undergo? (Late at night. Alone in a car. A philisophical musing is implied.) Stay tuned to find out on.... Adventures in Husbandry (author takes a moment to look up Husbandry) -- scratch that. On....The Store Closed at Midnight!!!

Okay so now that I've set it up. Let's get to the necessarily anti-climactic story.

So there I was, in the parking lot of Shoppers. It was a brilliant stroke of...um, brilliance, the like of which is seen only in this generation's Einstein's and Rosen's. "We'll just stop at Shoppers on the way home. It's open 24/7. You can stay in the car, I'll run in and be out in just a minute." It was smooth, it allowed her to stay in the warm car, while I braved the elements and went hunter-gathering for frozen corn in the perilous frozen food department. She agreed (even thanking me for letting her stay in the car) and I dashed to the door. It was at this point that I discovered the first signs that my side of town is populated entirely by fogies. Old farts, boring people, whatever you call them, my side of town must be teaming with them. Shoppers closed at midnight. Being that it is about 12:53am give or take a minute, I knew that, through keen intuition, (I tried the door and it was locked, also the sign I read a moment later said they close at midnight) I would not be able to gather my frozen corn from this place. Rebuffed, I returned to the car, sheepishly admitting to my snug and warm wife that I failed in my attempt and that another avenue must be explored.

After some hemming and hawwing (which, if you've never seen me haw, count yourself among the blessed of this Earth) a plan was struck. I would drop my wife off at our wigwam, which was a very short distance away. After this, I would go forth gathering and hunting again until such time as I found my prize. I knew for a fact, that in the worst case, the Shoppers across town was open 24/7. But that was a 35 minute round trip. I began with the closer stores.

After striking out at the first Giant within a three block radius of my wigwam, I began to feel hunger. I decided that a source of fast food must be aquired to satisfy my late night hunger brought on by my exertion. I didn't not quell in fear at the concept, since I knew that both Burger King and Taco Bell, purveyers of fine meat filled products, have a drive-through which is open late.

Alas, not in Old Fartville (not to be confused with Old Farts Ville which has a rather stale and foul odor) where apparently open late is universily defined as "open until Midnight!!!" After thus striking out in my search for nourishment, I continued to the other Giant, bypassing the Wal-Mart, which I knew to be lacking in most food items (and have subsequently learned was closed anyhow), there also lay another Taco Bell. Surely a restaurant on a major road would be open later. I learned to my chagrin, that while this was true, it was only open until 1am, and this time had passed nearly a quarter hour before. The Giant was also, unsurprisingly, closed at midnight.

Undismayed, I went to the other Shoppers on my side of town, only to be greeted by a similar refrain. It was at this point, that I resigned myself to travelling across town, and I proceeded to do so. (After stopping nominally to check for frozen corn at Sheetz, but in reality to buy a chocolate chip cookie, iced cream sandwich. Actually it ended up being pretty disappointing.) Across town I drove first to the Taco Bell, which was on the way anyhow. On this side of town, late night means 4am. In fact, both the inside and drive-through are open until 4am. Deeply nutritious food in hand, I drove across the highway to the Shoppers where I quickly found my corn and gathered three bags of it.

Three bags in hand, virtually alone in the store, I journeyed to the register. The lone open register. To find another employee, cart absolutely full of groceries checking out. All I wanted was three bags of corn. In the end, I simply waited for her, rang up mine and left. I arrived home almost exactly at 2am to much thanks from my wife. But I realized. I had moved from my swinging bachelor days, truely into my adulthood. I now live on the old, boring, staid side of town where if you're up past 9:30, you must be up to no good. It's the only way to explain it.